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Literature Text
If you took all my thoughts of you
Turned them into stars
And filled the sky with them
There wouldn't be enough room
For all of them
They'd simply blind the world
And if you tried to count all the times
I've yearned for your lips
An eternity wouldn't be long enough
Should you try to imagine the vastness
of my love for you
I'm pretty sure your head would explode.
(so that's why you get those headaches...)</i>
But in the end there's only one thing
That truly matters
Regardless of all of these facts
You are everything to me
And I hope you realise
Just how much I love you.
Turned them into stars
And filled the sky with them
There wouldn't be enough room
For all of them
They'd simply blind the world
And if you tried to count all the times
I've yearned for your lips
An eternity wouldn't be long enough
Should you try to imagine the vastness
of my love for you
I'm pretty sure your head would explode.
(so that's why you get those headaches...)</i>
But in the end there's only one thing
That truly matters
Regardless of all of these facts
You are everything to me
And I hope you realise
Just how much I love you.
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Edit: I've had a lot of critique and feedback for this piece, thank you all so much! Even though this was written a while ago now, I'm still open to more feedback on it if anyone happens to stop by.
I'm not confident with poems, so I'd love advice on the following if you'd like to help:
Capitalisation.I found it hard to decide what to do with this. At the start of every line? Every stanza? Or something else. So, I'd like to know if what I chose worked, and if it didn't, what would be better?
Punctuation. I've left it devoid of punctuation, letting the breaks in lines instead punctuating it. Should I have commas etc. at the end of lines or is it fine as it is?
The line "I'm pretty sure your head would explode.". Is this too far out of context of the rest of it? I found it hard to come up with a line here and this was what I ended up with. Maybe I should try harder to replace it? Or does it bring some lightheartedness?
If I didn't take out that line, what about the "(so that's why you get those headaches...)"? This is quite personal as my boyfriend has had bad headaches for a while now, that keep getting worse, so it seemed appropriate to put it in. But does it get in the way?
Does the rhythm flow well enough? I know how I would read it in my own mind, but I'm unsure as to whether this is clear or if to others it reads with a more awkward rhythm
I really struggled with the title. I didn't want it to end up as "another love poem" or something along those lines, so does is the title appropriate?
If you don't want to critique or would like to point out other things that I haven't specifically asked for, I love all comments regardless
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Comments22
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P.S. I know you wrote this a long time ago...
but, it is in my opinion, that when writing in "free verse"
you can be pretty creative with some of the grammar as far as if and when you want to capitalize...
I had gone through a phase at once point in poetry writing where I didn't capitalize at all...
I do again now, though.
but, it is in my opinion, that when writing in "free verse"
you can be pretty creative with some of the grammar as far as if and when you want to capitalize...
I had gone through a phase at once point in poetry writing where I didn't capitalize at all...
I do again now, though.